BEING A NICE particular person manner behaving in a form, considerate, and generous manner because it aligns in conjunction with your values, and you in actuality ride being stress-free and serving to others. You’re now not searching at for the leisure in return and don’t have an agenda to your kind behavior.
But, whenever you happen to normally truly feel resentful or disappointed that being nice isn’t getting you wherever—treasure a second date or the skilled success that you just obtain you deserve—you will be facing “nice guy syndrome” (NGS).
“Whereas you won’t internet ‘nice guy syndrome’ in any diagnosis manuals, this term refers to a standard pattern where males act kind and precious, but set apart a query to that these actions will carry success both in their personal or skilled existence,” says Kevin Mimms, L.M.F.T., a marriage and family therapist with Deciding on Therapy. “There are many opinions about this pattern and the of us that fit into it.”
The term nice guy syndrome has been around for many years. It became once the topic of the 2000 book No More Mr. Nice Man by Robert Glover, Ph.D.
More currently, the topic has made the rounds on TikTok (#niceguysyndrome has been considered 15.8 million times) and in a Geek Feminism Wiki submit, which describes it as “males who ogle themselves as prototypical ‘nice guys,’ but whose ‘nice deeds’ are, truly, handiest motivated by attempts to passively please girls folks into a relationship and/or sex.”
Therapists snort the behavior is rooted in “cultural expectations and personal insecurities,” says licensed psychologist David Tzall, Psy.D. “Society can reward males for being assertive, aggressive, or dominant. Qualities similar to kindness or empathy might well maybe possibly also merely also be considered as a weakness as a consequence.”
NGS behavior can lead to feelings of incompleteness, insecurity, a lack of self assurance, toxic relationships, and mental health issues, treasure dismay and despair. Here’s a closer ogle at standard NGS behaviors and be taught the formula to atomize the pattern.
What Is Nice Man Syndrome?
Per Glover, nice guy syndrome is fixed with three “covert contracts” that info someone subconsciously:
- Be a appropriate guy and all individuals will love you (and the of us you will want will need you wait on)
- Meet varied of us’s wants without them having to request they normally’ll meet your wants without you having to request
- Construct the entire lot lawful and you’ll have a restful existence, freed from complications
The “covert contracts” don’t work for a lot of reasons, but “nice guys are convinced that they might well maybe maybe also merely quiet,” Glover writes. “On legend of most nice guys mediate they’ve saved their side of the contract, they normally truly feel helpless and resentful when varied of us (and the field) don’t maintain their side of the contract.”
Folks with NGS also normally ogle approval from others, try and cover their flaws, play the role of a victim, disconnect from varied males or their personal masculine energy, and fail to reside as much as their full possible, fixed with Glover.
NGS Differs From Of course Being a Nice Man
The predominant distinction between someone with NGS and a honest appropriate nice guy is the motivation in the wait on of the behavior. A in actuality nice particular person doesn’t look one thing in return for his or her behavior or operate with an agenda.
“A nice guy are now not terrified to be their legit self because they know in the occasion that they don’t please themselves they can resent these that want to interchange him,” says Karmen Smith, L.C.S.W., D.D., a licensed Talkspace therapist.
What Nice Man Syndrome Habits Appears Appreciate
NGS is regarding the variability of actions someone takes, but additionally the expectations that reach with these actions, Mimms says. Conventional NGS behavior might well maybe encompass:
- Placing others’ wants sooner than your personal to score approval or affection
- Acting overly nice, friendly, or generous to make make a selection on with others
- Assuming that being nice automatically entitles you to romantic or sexual consideration from others
- Feeling resentful or infected when your niceness isn’t reciprocated or rewarded
- Waiting for others to peruse your niceness
- Getting overly linked or dependent on a romantic associate or friend
NGS Habits Can Happen in Any Field
Most NGS behavior is linked to romantic relationships (or a want to search out a romantic associate), but Tzall says it will level to up in any interpersonal misfortune, treasure friendships or skilled settings.
“It will probably maybe possibly also merely manifest as an inclination to lead clear of conflict, wretchedness expressing one’s wants and boundaries, and a willingness to compromise too noteworthy in account for to lead clear of upsetting others,” he says.
At work, it could possibly well maybe possibly also merely level to up as now not getting promoted despite making sacrifices to your job, Mimms.
What Ends in Nice Man Syndrome
The NGS behavior pattern might well maybe possibly also merely stem from the manner you had been raised, alongside with cultural and societal expectations.
“Many males are conditioned to be ‘nice guys’ from a young age. They’re raised with a sense of over-responsibility to caretake the sentiments of their parent figures,” Nicole LePera, Ph.D., wrote in a tweet currently.
For occasion, it is possible you’ll well maybe possibly also merely had been encouraged to level to a courageous face, now not ogle emotional comfort, now not discuss feelings, or obtain praise for pretending to be OK, she says.
“Nice guy syndrome creates eventualities where males don’t realize their personal wants and be taught the formula to salvage these wants met,” LePera says. “This ends in manipulative or dysfunctional behaviors in an try and salvage wants met.”
Lack of self assurance is a inform, too. When you happen to acquire the handiest manner to score a mate is by serving to, you’ll blueprint yourself up for frustration when serving to doesn’t let you glimpse a associate, Mimms says.
“Discounting varied ways to shine—similar to striving for success for your existence or being attentive to your physical health or mental health—all lead to fixating on serving to or ‘being nice’ as a instrument to make or deepen connections with others,” he says.
Prolonged-Term Results of Nice Man Syndrome
Resentment and bitterness are standard for individuals with NGS behavior, Mimms says. Relationships might well maybe possibly be atmosphere apart or short-lived.
Despair, dismay, and low self-worship or self-efficacy are also standard, Tzall says. “They have not any sense of self. They might well maybe even merely engage impress of themselves so versatile that they’ll’t identify who they are or what they treasure or stand for.”
Of us that demonstrate NGS might well maybe truly feel that their nice-guy image isn’t being preferred, but Smith says they usually ogle inward for perception, which might engage a mental health toll. “The continuing blame of others can have an affect on the manner they inspect the field, which keeps them stuck in a victim paradigm,” she says.
Easy suggestions to Destroy Out of the Habits Pattern
Of us who fight with NGS normally don’t acknowledge the pattern in themselves.
“It’s laborious to repeat ourselves or someone else to now not be a nice guy,” Mimms says. “Here’s counterintuitive because being unkind or unhelpful isn’t a appropriate inform.”
Breaking out of NGS patterns requires self-reflection, self-awareness, and a willingness to interchange, Tzall says. He suggests:
- Finding out to acknowledge and project underlying beliefs that equate niceness with entitlement
- Setting boundaries and asserting yourself in healthy ways
- Cultivating a sense of self esteem that doesn’t depend on exterior validation
- Prioritizing your personal wants and desires
“It is appropriate to be devoted to our family and our chums, but the supreme ways to carry out that are varied reckoning on our role and how linked you are to them,” Mimms says. “When you happen to treasure to must be nice, carry out it because that’s what you treasure to have and never because of the what they can carry out for you in return.”
Erica Sweeney is a author who largely covers health, wellness and careers. She has written for The Contemporary York Cases, HuffPost, Teen Vogue, Parade, Money, Trade Insider and plenty of more.
